The nerd in me

So it dawned on me just now that when i suddenly wanted to write something, I can't even remember the website www.blogger.com.

So many things has happened since the last post. School has started. The fact that it's in Singapore gives me a sense of deceleration - it doesn't kickstart my engine, my brain, my readiness. And that is only to my own detriment. Because there's no time to be retarded in here.

Feeling stupid aside, I've been pretty glad about it. So far I gotta say that i prefer it to hopkins (which is actually not saying very much because i didn't really enjoy hopkins). What i like about it is how it's stimulating in not a sciency sorta way, but a more realistic, humanistic aspects. I always know i'm rather socially inadequate, and that i tend to think in two dimensions - there's only yes and no, black and white, i gotta do something or i gotta move on and forget about it. So i guess this is a good thing for me, because i need to open my eyes to the three-dimensional way that life works. Its imperfection, its unfairness, its all shades of grey.

Talking about feeling stupid, another thing which i'm glad about was that i discovered i'm not the biggest nerd in here. Phew. And in fact, what makes me even happier is how easily i step down from those people, let them raise their hands and take the glory, and feel contented as a non-nerd.

Know thyself - Aristotle said. Easier said than done, obviously, because it's so easy to feel emotionally hurt, or angry, or self-deprecating, when you see someone's smarter, prettier, more successful. Turns out at one point i know i gotta block that out. Not easy at first obviously, like when my sister kept asking me about how old will i be before i can buy my first hdb flat, the answer to which is probably some ridiculous geriatric age (at which my eggs will probably be polyploidy and unfit for reproduction), i felt really small. But then i realize that though blocking it out is certainly not human tendency, it's definitely not impossible.

So yes, i'm happy that i'm able to feel happy when my friend knows the answer and gets better marks. Maybe another word for it is just the development of a thick skin.

I think it's good to be at a stage where i know who i am, what i want to do, what i should and should not be doing. I don't perform as well as i used to in junior college, but i think overall i'm a more balanced human being. I sleep 7 hours everyday, have dinner with my family almost every night, even if i don't finish studying. I go to lab every week.

And that probably has to do with both the stuff i've seen in med school and the internal process of finding myself.

Anyway, safe to say that this blog will be gathering dust quite a bit in the next few years. As i said, there's no time to be retarded here. I should either be developing my IQ or EQ, or preferably a little bit of both.

The road less traveled

It all seems like yesterday, when i was in junior college and thought i had a world of opportunities. I was so sure then that by 30, i'm gonna do something great, be someone of importance and glamour.

Before long, i have been driven down a concrete path. And there isn't any glamour in it.

I realise now that as a kid, i've been so misguided. I was taught to see glamour in the lives of einstein, thomas edison and the likes, and follow their footstep. It's so ridiculous now. No doubt such a naive idea predisposed me to pain and disappointment.

And that was the road laid out for me. The supposedly glamourous one, where life-changing inventions await. I didn't bother looking for another one less traveled.

If i were to go back to 5 years old, perhaps i'd want to learn the greatness in a banking job, or such-like corporate positions. Then i'd have a much more comfortable life now. If i were to go back to 18 years old, i'd want to have the strength to resist following einstein's lead and go straight into medicine.

But i can't change any of that. The road less traveled was always open to me actually. I just didn't see it.

Detective conan

Its my new addiction.

The series clicks with me because it's about crime investigation. No, not the CSI kind where everyone wears lab coat and pretends they're doing DNA sequencing or whatever crap that's supposed to be cutting edge forensic science. The logical deduction kind. The old-fashioned sherlock holmes style of investigation, which to me is wayyy cooler.

I like it also for its simplicity in characters. Gone are the complicated personas you often see nowadays in primetime shows, the ones with abusive upbringing, the fallen heroes, the good-willed killer. The anime characters here are simple to the point of predictability. Good guys are good, bad guys bad; good guys will win over bad guys. Watching conan is the much-needed antidote to my jaded, pessimistic, cynical mind.

So i devote this entry to this over-10-year-long series.

I'm back

This blog has been inactive for a long long time, simply bcos i myself have not been using my brain much. Well not all of my brain, bcos i could still carry out labwork and dance and other activities. But the domain responsible for critical thinking (read, whining on blogs) was dead all this time. It seems like in order to concentrate on performing everyday chores efficiently, destructive thinking has got to be switched off.

Ive had an eventful month. Especially in the workplace.

Okie so what about the workplace? Well, i kinda started off on the wrong foot last yr, and have been trying to make up for that slowly and painfully. Recently a young attachment student joined the lab (the clueless guy i mentioned previously) and pissed off everyone royally. With his bad grooming behavior (no bathing and loud chewing), his prada shirt and leather shoes, and his spilling EtBr waste, no wonder he became the outcast. The "bad guy" title went to him without a doubt. So when i became a victim of his passive aggression and stalking, i immediately rose to the lab's throne of united sympathy. Aha!

That didn't smooth everything out of course. Me and mr O still had rough patches. It's already difficult to please someone bitter and sarcastic, and i didn't bother trying. I hated it even more when he tried to be nice to me. I found it such an unnecessary and counter-productive effort. His nice-ness to me seemed nothing more than a ploy to whip me to work hard. I believe one day i'll find it in my heart to realise his kindness, to which i've been blinded by my conceived ideas; but that day is not today.

Anyhow, alas, it has come to an end! My one year slaving away in the lab! Think of all those times i was stuck with the facs machine till 11 at night, wanting to bang my head against the wall. Those time i sat at my desk bored to tears, dying to get out. I'm so glad a chapter of my life that's so dark and depressing has closed now.

If knowledge is power, withholding knowledge is greater power.

Complaints, complaints, complaints

I have not blogged for a while. Not because i stop reflecting (i wish!) - i still overthink almost every daily situations, over-interpret almost every person's mundane expressions. But because i've been swamped with work.

I work hard and i don't know why. It's not because i'm passionate about it (i wish!) - although i'm usually a nerd, when it comes to my own lab work, i'm strangely disconnected. Maybe it's because i wanted to try to impress Mr O (which turned out to be a futile attempt, of course). Maybe i was just born to be that kind of asinine studious person. To become a lab rat, eternally stuck in motion without getting anywhere. Or maybe it's the promise of the light at the end of the tunnel at lures me to work.

And what is that light exactly? A PhD? Money? Publications? Tenorship? I don't know how to grasp it.

Whatever it is, i think it's very pathetic indeed. The feeling when i get up every morning, knowing that my experiments that day are going to fail. On happier days, i would rise out of bed with optimism, thinking that i'm going to be one step closer to nailing that result. But on gloomier days like today, i ask myself why i even bother.

And on any day in between i would reflect on how this past one year has been one of the most depressing periods i've experienced. Because it shows me clearly just how sad my life is, and will be.

IgE gone wild

Just recovered from a rather nightmarish bout of allergy. Got jabbed twice with antihistamine, but i didn't mind at all. Because nothing diminished my fright of needles like a sleepless night and the feeling of a thousand pin pricks in the eyes.

Although the ordeal is over, I thought the rarity of such allergic reaction in my whole life thus far deserves a slight mention in this blog.

How to do a pirouette

A pirouette is not a spin; it’s a balanced turn.

So it requires not speed but calmness, said my ballet instructor, you can’t do a pirouette when you’re nervous. No wonder I could sometimes pirouette alone in my bedroom, but not when the teacher is watching. Well, or at least that’s gonna be my excuse.

Same thing goes with driving. I often do worse when the instructor happens to be the meticulous type, always pesters me for every small little mistake.

I guess I got to learn the secret to maintaining my cool. Maybe it’s meditation, or just a zen pill that I could take (prozac, anyone?). Or maybe it’s a state of mind that one is either born with or without. Anyway, I’m probably not cool enough yet to do a pirouette.

At work

It's been a long time since i last blogged. As said, i'm going along a mundane period - repeating cycles of work, followed by non-work and finally sleep to recuperate for more work the next day.

There's a new attachment student in my lab. A bright-eyed fresh grad from poly. Very hopeful, but also very immature. He reminds me too much of myself as an 18-year-old. The idiot who knew nothing about science outside textbooks, or about the unwritten rules in the workplace, yet thought she had whatever it took.

He doesn't fit in. His boundary issues and lack of professionalism make him somewhat an outcast. And i pity him. I understand his plight transitioning from school to the unfamiliar work environment.

So today i finally decided to give him some advice. I thought the sooner he figures out the true colours of doing science in a bureaucratic lab, the better he will adapt.

I just wish someone had given me such advice five years ago.

I was much too far out all my life / And not waving but drowning.

I haven't blogged in quite a while. Things are all going ok, no ups and downs, just a horizontal projection.

I just added mandarin to my to-learn list. Learning new things fills my head with excitement and happy thoughts. It keeps me bounce around in an otherwise very mundane lab life.

This one year of slavery is coming to an end, and I'll be trying my best to finish with dignity. Talk about "not drowning but waving".

Flu

A flu has been spreading among my labmates like wild fire. I want to blame it on the congested workstation, or the scorching temperature outside (not to be lame, but the constant heating-and-cooling cycles one experiences in singapore summer remind me of doing pcr).

But too late... I have come down with a strep-related sore throat and mild fever...

Alone

I feel lonely.

Strung between the wants to remain my single independent self and the needs to be part of a couple.

Despite my rationalization for the opposite -the voice saying that I shouldn't feel this way, I have people who love me deeply, unconditionally.

I'm struck by how autonomously I still operate despite an almost-two-year long relationship. There is a struggle between my uncompromising selfish core and my desire to trust and rely on others.

Fencing out my loved ones is both tiring and futile. Maybe I keep doing so because I wanted to be unique and weird, or to feel strong, but eventually I ended up mediocre like everyone else.

A mediocre weirdo.

Killing time

I have oftentimes criticized other blogs for being too egocentric, too consumed by their owners’ mundane little happenings to deserve any interest. But then I inevitably looked at my own blog and realized I’ve suffered the same pitfall.

The truth is, I would love to talk about something other than myself. For example, I would love to contribute to the renewed showdown of intelligent design propagandists versus Darwinism crusaders. But I doubt anything I have to say would be any wittier, more caustic, than what have already been said on the cyberspace. Any attempt to write about some sort of broad-spectrum concerns (like climate change, the health care system in the States, etc…) would seem like ludicrous endeavors to sound worldlier than I really am.

So I gotta go back to write about my own mundane stories, try to my everyday experiences into something more. A lesson to learn, a new philosophical take on life – that except myself and maybe 1-2 more persons in the world, no one bothers.

Maybe one day I will become an expert about something and then people would have to tune in to what I have to say about it. Until then, that’s enough rambling for today.

My decision

[this entry, though drafted on 14/4, had been kept unpublished]

For a while I've been deliberately hiding this information from everybody, for fear that they would pry, gossip, or judge my sanity.

The much coveted information is very simple - I'm going to enrol at the Duke-NUS graduate medical school in Singapore.

If you think trying to camouflage and conceal this info for two months was hard, arriving at the decision was ten times harder. I still remember how exhilarating it felt to get the prestigious wellcome trust fellowship at oxford. Unlike my interviews in the states where i could answer the questions impromptu, laugh along a few jokes, and still walk away feeling like a millionaire, I actually had to work really hard at the oxford one. More than that, the prospect of studying in the uk was no doubt alluring, because it painted a picture of domestic bliss that extrapolated into a stable future.

When i got the good news from the GMS admission tutor i felt sad. My bubble of happiness burst too soon. And for a long time i became preoccupied with the question - could an apparently unhappy decision still be right?

In answering this question i outlined all the pros and cons into a laundry list. Small details such as extra salary and possibility of owning a car aside, the biggest cons was my tentative 8-year long distance relationship, the biggest pros my ability to practise medicine. With that I came to ruminate about the relativity of happiness, about perfection and my work ethics (as deliberately written in a somewhat cryptic manner in my previous entries).

By answering yes to the question above i have eventually come to accept and love my decision. I look forward to knowing better the kind folks in GMS to whom I feel so deeply grateful. I look forward to all the weird stuff medical schools allegedly entail, to the day i pick up the scapel. And in my greatest naivety, I believe my bf and i will last the long haul, that being an old houseman, even an old bride, would be quite ok.

I have thrown the dart, abandoning my doubts, fears and self-ego. Hit or miss, only time will tell.

On desperation

All the talks about engagement and marriage of the people around me have sometimes made my colleagues curious. "When's your turn?" - they always asked me half-jokingly, and i would immediately dismiss any possibility of continuing the topic.

From the media i have seen how girls are believed, or portrayed, to be hard-wired into marriage-loving freaks. For example, how little girls would dress up with curtains and put a white pillows over their heads to play wedding. As a girl, i preferred to play doctors. And in my dreams, i always transformed into some sort of warriors fighting dragons, extraterrestrial demons, or crime. Girls who are obsessed with getting hitched, i thought, appeared to be weak damsels waiting to be rescued.

Of course my impression is no longer as naive today. Of course there are weak women, and then there are the independent lot, but the distinction is hardly discernable. From the outside, it's always too misleading. So i drop my negative judgment and admit the legitimacy of being desperate for that rescue.

Who am i to judge anyway? I have been desperate many times in the past, often to damaging extents that i later regret.

So in a desperate effort to rationalize my own desperation, I blame it on my increasing negativity towards life. It's a worrying, but undeniable, fact that i'm rather pessimistic by nature. I believe that my career isn't going to shine anytime soon, that other people are out to get me, and that humankind are doomed at the face of global warming. Maybe thinking about the big M is my only way to be a normal optimistic person.

It's not true that i can't live alone. I can. But i yearn to be more normal. Because that's how i'm gonna rescue myself.

My cloning woes

... are over!!!

At last, after I've spent over a month trying to devise different ways to clone this darn recalcitrant gene, my boss has decided to just order the clone wholesale. Costs about $300 but saves everybody time and pain. Behold the magic of modern-day customized research tools!

Too bad my enthusiasm today was completely destroyed by an evil spirit. It's really troubling how some individuals possess such malignant, rotten souls.

Am I autistic?

I've always thought of myself as having autistic tendencies. Here's why:
- I have no trouble concentrating amidst a crowd. In fact, i almost always prefer to focus intensely on one thing at a time,
- I have a very vivid imagination, thus my ability to concoct storylines ranging from the soberly dramatic to the outrageously insane,
- I'm good with remembering numbers, like telephone digits or people's birthdays. I'm also good with patterns and logic.
- I talk to myself. A lot. Most of the times not consciously,
- I often find myself rather awkward in social situations as I refuse to go out my way to entertain others.

Today, following up a related topic that vera brought to the lunch table, i began to self-diagnose and reached an autism quotient (AQ) of 23. That's about an average math contestant, whereas scorers of 34 or above probably have Asperger's.

So, i guess i'm just another anti-social face in the crowd.

Here's the link to the quiz:
http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test

I've spoken to what seems like a gazillions of people about my issue and hardly anyone has been kind enough.

Damn it who else do i have to speak to to get the job done around here?!

Destructive thinking

I'm in the thinking mode again, you know the kinda mode where your thoughts won't go away, they just swoop down into your brain and flood your neural circuits until you can't make any sense out of anything anymore. So you lose the motivation to do constructive things, even eating and drinking, and you just stare. And think.

If you watch I heart Huckabees, there's a scene where the two protagonists beat each other on the head with a huge plastic balloon until they stop thinking. I need one of those balloons.

People always make me curious. Like how many of them, when asked about their profession, would somehow try to steer the conversation away from the topic at hand by making a lame joke, or refering to their family and hobbies instead. I don't know what their reason is but if i have to venture a guess, i'd say it's because they think their profession would bore the listener. And that may be because they themselves are sick of their daytime jobs in the first place. I guess to them, the job is merely something society expects of them to do to put food on the table. I, on the other hand, think my work is my life. It shapes the way i dress and address, molds my personality, and affects even my deeper character traits. Maybe i'm being overly serious, or maybe i'm just going through a phase, but i believe my life wouldn't be half as worth living if my work sucks like hell.

Or like how there are so many hidden meanings in an everyday interpersonal discourse it's mind-boggling to interpret and extrapolate. From the very first instance of the meeting, judgement begins (i formerly thought i was among the extremists when it comes to judging others, but apparently everyone does it to about the same extent as mine). Then it's followed by escalating expectation and series of attempts to meet, or to defy those expectations. There's also trust and cynicism - variables that no one could easily predict. How do i judge others just the right amount so that my mind still opens to further possibilities? How do i not give myself away by trusting too much, without sliding up the cynicism scale?

I like to observe people, i think an ability to read minds is both useful and cool. But lately, i have misinterpreted other people's hidden signals more often than i'd wish. It's quite unfortunate really... but i don't know how to learn from it.

Honesty

If you happen to know me at all, you'll probably realize that I'm very very very protective of my principles. I more or less grew up on my own for a large part of my life, making my own rules, creating my own set of beliefs.

And honesty is not one of them. I'm more of a do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-what-i-want kinda person, which I admit is not something to be proud of.

Nevertheless I'm protective and proud of the few other principles I still uphold. And not impinging on personal rights is definitely one of them.

Today a friend of mine just over stepped his boundary. I yelled. And now it's fine, everything is water under the bridge.

You see, I protected my principles, at the expense of a friendship.

I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty of my spending. Every month, my miserable wage is worsened by my expenses for dancing, driving and flying, and the occasional nag from my sister (who by the way, earns three times as much; and that's not even counting bonuses).

So I went shopping nonetheless, and couldn't care any less about my depleting bank accounts. I like making myself look good. It's the only aspect of my life I can improve. Hair and clothes are easy to change. But other variables such as research, education, or even relationship, seem so far out of my grasp.

I have been looking for hairstyle inspiration for a while. The other day I discovered that I have an oval-shaped face, which means I can go with any hairdos. Big fat useless advice.

My lab mate successfully defended her thesis today. I've watched two other oral defenses before this, but somehow today I'm most excited. Perhaps it was the vast body of her 5-year work which spanned from retroviral to in vivo to clinical, or maybe this was the first time I fully comprehended the talk and identified myself with her.

Have been doing intensive cloning for the past two weeks. This repetitive routine has got to stop before I lose all motivation to continue.

I've realized why time and again I cannot help but lash out my frustration with research. My biggest problem with experimentation is: I don't deal well with failures.

Who does?! One might say. But I think I take failures too personally, much more so than the average person.

On an entirely different note, I need to socialize more.

I used to be a sociable sunshine smiley person, I loved party, gossiping to friends until 3am. But hopkins turned me into a social nightmare who doesn't talk to anyone unless obliged to.

I need to catch up with old friends, no matter how awkward that might be.

I'm so frustrated with research. It's all fumbling in the dark. Maybe that's just because i'm stupid.

The other day I got just what I needed. My experiment worked! For once... after a string of failures.

It reminded me that after all, research is still gonna be important for me for a long long time. So I went back to labbing, and it's much less distressing.

Stop!

So i've been moping and feeling pity for myself over the past week. And finally today i decided to get my butt off the chair and take a walk; and i gained a little perspective.

I got to stop beating myself up over losing out to other people. I know when it comes to applications and research, i suck. And that's the end of the story. No more comparison, no more kiasuism. I shall no longer feel bad about myself because i've really tried my best and that's all anyone could do.

I got to count my blessings - the fact that i've come this far without a penny from my parents' pocket, the fact that i have someone whom i trust absolutely, or the fact that i still have all my arms and legs and am losing weight without even trying.

Damn it, enough of self hatred already!

Still hesitating

Happiness and success, which one would you choose?

If asked five years ago, I'd resolutely opt for the latter. At that time, being ahead of the competition meant everything, and seemed to hold endless promises.

But sadly I've grown more and more unmotivated over the years. Sometimes I even harbour thoughts of a blissful tai-tai existence. And research creeped in as a holistic option because it offers the you-can-have-both-career-and-family combination.

But then again, what if happiness and success are correlated, instead of mutually exclusive? Family makes me happy, and an interesting career makes me happy too. So the question is actually, which makes me happier?

I know that it's impossible to have the best of both worlds, and there's always a need to prioritize. But now i wonder, is two glasses half-full better than one full glass?

Wait

Waiting for my primers to arrive,

Waiting for proteomics experiment to get going,

Waiting for july vacation,

Waiting for my future to be decided...

Where's the light at the end of my tunnel?

Yesterday was a bad day. I did nothing productive, and things got a little tense between me and mr. O again. Worst of all, i got into a fight with my sister over something really trivial, which spiralled into a disturbing discussion about my character. So i faced my worst fear: the fact that im a twisted, cynical, emotionally stunted human being.

Umm, and the thing is, i don't even know what to do about it.

Perfection

All my life i strive to be perfect, to be proud and accountable for my actions, my ability, even superficial things like my looks. But of course that never happens.

I thought that having choices would make me live life easier. I resented rich people who had choices spread out in front of them, without the need for the extra miles. Or any other kind of privileged people for that matter. Perfection would be having able to do what i want. But now that i have choices, i realize its not so easy making the decision after all.

And that's because all the choices have pros and cons. And so it all boils down to perfection again really. Nothing in life is perfect, so none of the choices is perfect, and therefore no decision made on those choices could be perfect either. Basically the world is just full of imperfections operating within their limitations.

Well, i know that's a very uninteresting point to make, but it's exactly what i feel right now.

In a perfect world, I would be able to become an accomplished doctor by the age of 30, maybe even a specialist. By then I would have already started a family and lived comfortably in a house that I owned. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be lucky to reach there when I'm 35. I would be even luckier to remain in this close-to-perfect relationship by that time.

But I guess if I have to live my life all over again, there's very little I'm gonna change about it. And living life without much regrets may be part of perfection.

Snippets of my trip

Although it is not yet the end of my interview trip, thats what it feels like. I guess despite all the fun and excitement i had, i just got tired after a while with all the socializing, connecting, presenting, etc...

Penn was such a great place that i kept asking myself why i didn't choose it for my undergraduate (i know i know, i probably wouldn't have got in anyway, so it's just plain wishful thinking). Good city, benign weather, enthusiastic faculty.

New york would have been great too if not for the excruciatingly cold weather. I wasted two good afternoons staying at the hotel - no chinatown food, no watching musical or dance show like i had planned to - because of the sub-freezing temperature. The only saving grace is the fact that i got to see new york's first day of snow.

So now im at oxford, about to attend the most serious phd interview. And i'm still not used to the way people talk here. The accent, the precise intonation, the speed. American english is definitely much easier to swallow (or do a fake imitation of) than the mainstream British counterpart.

Anyway, it's time for breakfast (it's free, i think :)) and enough rambling for today.

Itinerary

After much hassle and worries, my trip has finally been organized.

Singapore -> Upenn -> Columbia -> Oxford -> Cambridge -> Singapore

Four destinations in less than 2 weeks. This is gonna be fun.

Or "fun".

Infinity - Merrick

We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity

We are all like astronauts
The little prince I want to please
Nevermind your habits absolutely
You encourage me
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity

Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity

Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow

My precious cells got contaminated by fungus. Disgusting little rhizoids that looked like pieces of hair.

So sad.

Omg, making travel plans is so exhausting, esp when my darn green passport means i have to apply for visa in virtually every other country in the world.

Frustrated! Very.

In my need to find some forms of distraction, i read xy's blog (recommended to me by xs). Its nacissism is blatant and laughable (although really, that can be said of a great number of blogs out there, including mine). The thing is, i'm not bothered by it at all, i don't feel jealous, or guilty about my own shortcomings while reading it. I'm only entertained. So i guess that's the trick then: one got to be detached to be rational.

Reminds me of a quote i heard a long time ago: the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.

I'm suffering from itchy-feet syndrome. Missed ballet yesterday for a phone interview, which was short but quite interesting. I have absolutely no idea how i'm going to choose among different labs, but anyway, i shouldn't count my eggs too soon.

So much work to do before flying off next week. Sigh. Even in my sleep i could see pink media plates floating around. Potential nightmare.

Sec school kids are coming to my lab next week for some outreach program. That should be fun, even though our activity for them is *yawn* cloning. I like interacting with young kids, like those i interviewed last week. They have such incredible zest for life and its possibilities. They speak their minds straight and right. No political correctness, no cliche, no fear. Wonder when and how i lost that capacity?

Go ghost go!

I didn't sleep well last night. My old handphone (which i've taken out the sim card, thereby disabling it, and tossed into my drawer) rang at 4 am. And although normally i wouldn't have been frightened, for i know turning off phones doesn't necessarily shut them up, last night was different. I was haunted by The Ring movie.

It's funny and absurd to think about it in a clear-headed way in the morning. Because actually i thought the spectre in that movie had terrific straight hair and clean white outfit, wayyy too good-looking for someone supposed to be dead for 30 years. But i was seriously scared at that time.

So then i realized that if i'm scared of death, that means i still have something to lose, means i still like my life no matter how little.

I've also deduced that idleness breeds evil thoughts, so i'd better keep myself busy for the next week or so. And hopefully the shadow in my mind will go away.

Unoriginal

Been digging around for a while in my self-reflection, but have yet figured out what i did wrong, or in what way i am inferior.

It feels like trying to remember whether or not you've left the house door unlocked. Or looking into the dance studio mirror to scan your body flaws.

Xs said i always second guess myself, which is very true. I always tend to scrutinize too deeply the things i lack, while forgetting to count my everyday blessings. But to change my perspective is easier said than done.

I wish i could stop comparing myself to others. To mr. O this is a very unoriginal, and very singaporean phenotype. Ask them to do some project, he said, and they would immediately check to see what other groups are doing, then start to follow suit with a little bit of modification. His remarks alarmed me, cos i never realized i've become one of the many. Unidentifiable from the homogeneous crowd.

I believe to be original is to be sure of oneself. To feel certain that one's idea is unique and, in some ways, insuperable. Again, easier said than done.

Urrgh

I hate applications so much. The fact that theyre never ending and totally not worth my time, and that other people are so hyped about it. I'm getting jaded so soon, i realized. Just been doing apps for... umm... 4 months only and my care level has dropped to non-existence. 'How can people still be so enthusiastic, stressed out and kiasu about it?' is a question i don't bother enough to find out. But think about all the money they waste on multiple interview trips!

To the schools that don't care enough about me to give me money and an early interview, heck, i don't need them anyway.

I look forward to my bright and happy prospect in the UK, where i can get a degree in 3 years and start working my debt off. Because there's something i hate even more than apps - responsibilities to others.

Distractions

To light up a few matches in my earlier purported darkness, here are a few delights in my otherwise boring life.

One. I recently realized, to my amazement, that i'm not overly critical afterall. I have always been bothered by my own judgmental tendency, which most of the times translates simply into sheer meanness. From the moment i meet a person, to even years after parting. But lately i've recognized even greater criticality from other people around me, people who at first sight seem rather kind and forgiving. This recognition may be disturbing to some, but to me it's kinda of a relief.

Two. I have successfully concocted a tasty tiramisu recipe, after the third trial (with my sister's expert whipping, of course). Next, i shall try my hand on some traditional vietnamese cuisines, with the exotic herbs i just bought.

Three. I can think about my coming fly-over interviews as a chinese new year vacation. And i can start shopping for some sassy winter clothes.

And last. I can always drown my misery in a heap of movies and tv series dvd at home.

In the dark

I had a very long unfruitful holiday. It was nice though, for how often can one sits around all day not bothered by the slightest shred of stress?

But yesterday seems like a punishment for my past lazy week. And even though misery craves isolation, today I decided to drag myself out of bed in the morning and go to lab. Companionship might cheer me up.

I realized (not for the first time) that life beyond schooling is not my strongest suit. Not even my strong suit. Do i suck so much at work or just research in particular? I don't have the vaguest idea of what the future holds for me, and i'm worried. Confused. Desperate. It's not a straightforward path from primary to secondary to jc to college anymore. It's a crooked path I do not know how to draw, let alone walk it.

I have options, none of which is smooth sailing, some may even end up disastrous for me and my family.

Only if there is a way for something, or someone, to show me the light at the end of my tunnel.