On desperation

All the talks about engagement and marriage of the people around me have sometimes made my colleagues curious. "When's your turn?" - they always asked me half-jokingly, and i would immediately dismiss any possibility of continuing the topic.

From the media i have seen how girls are believed, or portrayed, to be hard-wired into marriage-loving freaks. For example, how little girls would dress up with curtains and put a white pillows over their heads to play wedding. As a girl, i preferred to play doctors. And in my dreams, i always transformed into some sort of warriors fighting dragons, extraterrestrial demons, or crime. Girls who are obsessed with getting hitched, i thought, appeared to be weak damsels waiting to be rescued.

Of course my impression is no longer as naive today. Of course there are weak women, and then there are the independent lot, but the distinction is hardly discernable. From the outside, it's always too misleading. So i drop my negative judgment and admit the legitimacy of being desperate for that rescue.

Who am i to judge anyway? I have been desperate many times in the past, often to damaging extents that i later regret.

So in a desperate effort to rationalize my own desperation, I blame it on my increasing negativity towards life. It's a worrying, but undeniable, fact that i'm rather pessimistic by nature. I believe that my career isn't going to shine anytime soon, that other people are out to get me, and that humankind are doomed at the face of global warming. Maybe thinking about the big M is my only way to be a normal optimistic person.

It's not true that i can't live alone. I can. But i yearn to be more normal. Because that's how i'm gonna rescue myself.