New Year holiday

I'm going back to Viet Nam tmr, so it's gonna be a ten-day-long hiatus for this blog.

Tata!

Out-of-office auto reply

The whole world seems to be in holiday mood now. My colleagues are autonomously taking half-day leave to shop and run family errands. It's understandable, considering the before, during, and after-Christmas sales, and New year's Eve just around the corner. I emailed a few people today with urgent matters at hand, only to groan at their out-of-office replies.

It's a sluggish, sluggish tiiiiime. It's difficult not to be influenced by the wave of laziness and sleep bugs, or to get anything done. Even reading emails seems tiring enough.

Which is why it sucks even more when i need to finish so many tasks before my own holiday starts next week.

X'mas is here

It's that time of the year when everybody takes leave from work to stay at home and catch up with their loved ones, or themselves. It's the time to party, to shop, to stay in bed till noon, to eat way too much, and to sing along cheesy christmas tunes.

Had 3 parties in a row last week, and one more tonight. Too much talking and laughing and socializing. The pretend extraversion has left me in a lazy, bored, and kinda anti-social mood.

But i'm not too bogged down. I'm excited that yf will be back tomorrow and spend christmas eve with me, and that triumphs all boredom! :D

More random rambling

I don't like to discuss applications. It makes me worried and insecure, and aggravates my self-doubt for no good reasons at all: "Oh no, how come i haven't got any interview?", "I don't have any publication!", "Oh sh*t, she's so much better than me", so on and so forth... But nowadays, among us scholars whose mouths are bigger than the Siberian Lake and jealousy greener than spring grass, the topic of apps is inevitably on the table. Yuck!

Yesterday my sister, being the great financial planner that she is, talked to me at length about my future assets. The conclusion is that i wont be worth anything ten years from now, unless i go and do ibanking. How sad! I always want to be able to get my own house, and give my children the best education possible.

Everyday I realize more and more how impartial I am about research. I'm not passionate about any job in the world, except being a medical doctor (which might just be a pretty illusion fueled by television shows after all). My sister told me "Welcome to the real world". She meant nobody in the real world is passionate about his/her job anyway, people just do their job to feed their children and fund their pastime activities. I think she's right.

On the bright side, the cancer institute in cambridge gives me a phone interview. So i can save plenty of $ on airfare. The thought of being interviewed over the phone, rather than face-to-face, makes me a bit uneasy though. End of discussion.

Long day again

Today i woke up at 5, to prepare for a 10-hr long experiment. It's lunch time now and i'm eating alone in the lab, while waiting for the incubation. Gulping down a big bowl of ban mian. Feeling sleepy and grumpy, hmmm. Still have ballet class tonight, which i'm not gonna miss. One, it's the last lesson before christmas break. Two, i really enjoy this class, the teacher is instructive without being too critical, and always humorous.

My break from apps turns out to be longer than i wanted. Once i stop writing, i also stop caring altogether, it's hard to get back into the flow again. I've been procrastinating for what seems like an eternally blissful period of time. My inertia is too high (and so is the mass of my lazy bottom), i need a big force to accelerate.

I talked to a postdoc in my lab early this morning and listened to her complaints about labbing, the futile sacrifices she's made in terms of family and social life. I feel bad for her, cos she's a very sweet-natured and demure person, unlike Mr. O who's more of a pushy go-getter. Her complaints also aggravated my grumpy mood, making me even more worried about my doomed prospect.

Can't wait till holiday!!! I wanna go back to my family, i wanna stay at home all day long and entertain myself by aimlessly watching soap, or animals, or whatever.

A cute video clip sent to me from Mr. O to celebrate the spirit of Christmas.

A short break

I decided to take a break from applications for a while. So it's been 4 days or so since I last logged in an online application or edited my essays. I've found time to summarize my experimental results, to read, and even go out to watch a movie. It feels good... although I'm gonna have to go back to apps again tonight, I hope at least I'll be more refreshed this time.

Talk about watching movies, 'Lust, Caution' was such a disturbing film. Not because of its storyline (which is only mildly distressing) but because of its shocking nudity. Of all the RA shows I've watched in my life (quite a few actually), this one is definitely unrivaled. Not for the faint-hearted.

Weekly updates

Almost done with Cambridge. Only left with 2 more UK apps to submit. This whole pain-in-the-backside application process is almost, almost, almost over!!!

The key is not how i started, but how i am going to reach the finishing line.

The sky is not the limit. Funding is.

I can't wait to get back to a normal lab rat existence, especially when my project is about to get interesting again. Hopefully i can strike a jackpot of data before the year ends.

Tired and stressed. Multiplied by ten times.

*grumble grumble grumble*

Rambling before lunch

I really am a clumsy lab worker - it's been my umpteenth time getting water contamination *throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation*

The political landscape of the lab is undergoing some major changes, and i hate to think about the domino effects that are going to come. Mr. O is stressed because he doesn't want to take over the baggage; lab lunches turn into discussions about management problems. Problems with lab life, problems with transparency, problems with scholarships, ... How sianz!

And i'm still not done with applications yet. What the heck, after the wave of US apps, i still have a bunch of UK apps to worry about. Writing my life story over and over again is mind-numbingly mundane; chasing people for letters is downright unpleasant. How sianz...

I hope there is a good ending to this - where i'll be happy, and my sense of self-worth will be restored. Success doesn't mean that much to me anymore, as least not as much as happiness. I want the five C's - chocolate, coffee, carbs, choreography and contentment.

Joe Hisaishi live performance of Howl's Moving Castle theme

Monday

Mr. O was nice to me today. I feel as if a light bulb just switched on in my brain. I know how to deal with him now: The guy is addicted to results - like moths to neon tubes, junkies to heroin. Give him some data and watch him mesmerized. :)

He was, however, very mean to another person. How pitiful and scary.

The changing of my blog name

Yesterday I watched a 30Rock episode in which Kenneth, a sweet and subservient pager guy, told a little anecdote about his childhood, and how he used to stare at his aunt's cookie jar for hours, and felt so calm as though all his troubles were put inside that jar and carefully sealed.

In that sense I thought my blog is analogous to that cookie jar. It's been the only place for me to be myself and think aloud, and not afraid of other people's judgments. Sometimes it even calms me.

Anger management

I'm seriously pissed off this time. On previous occasions like this I just dismissed everything as if it were something inconsequential and put on a smile to be polite. But the crap I've been getting at work is just piling up everyday. And when I already have a lot on my mind, it just makes my life a lot harder to get along.

They happened on monday, thursday and friday last week. A perfect week was ruined by Mr. O and his crazy obsession with trivial technicalities. I don't know what I did that was so wrong and unforgiveable that I must be his punch bag almost everyday. I can't stand him - his continuous babbling in fake 'proper' english, his pretension, his fetid sarcasm. I have done nothing to deserve this amount of disrespect. Why can't he leave me and my self esteem alone?!

And worse still I have nowhere to vent my anger. Everyone else at work seems to be perfectly happy no matter how mistreated they are. They laugh at his jokes, report to him every minute details like clockwork. I tried to write a few imaginary letters to him, where I would release my anger non stop in a few pages. But those letters don't work anymore; in the wake of the night, my anger comes back to haunt me, chasing me out of sleep.

So here, I publish it. My anger. In the hope that it will leave me alone and I'll restore a peaceful exterior on monday next week.

Oh my god, to think that I still have almost 9 more months to go.

Wallowing

Today i realized i haven't felt good for a long time. Very long indeed, maybe two or three months. I haven't been feeling safe or happy or content or confident; shopping and watching tv are distractions rather than cure. The best i've had is something like a surge of adrenalin after dance or after an experiment gone ok, which quickly wanes off in matter of hours.

I also indulge in a lot of self pity (read above paragraph for evidence). It's amazing how self pity feeds on itself until it's enough to flood my mind and bore any conversation to death.

So i decide to declare war on self doubt, fear, envy, ... all the bad feelings i've harboured. I shall only concentrate on the good stuff of my life, the stuff that soothes me, like my mom, yf, my improving workplace relationships. And i shall always remind myself that no matter how bad my day has been, there surely is someone who had a worse day. You see, it's only a matter of perspective.

Easier said than done.

I hate working

Nothing in life is constant except death, cpf and work.

Trapped in a deep black hole

Yesterday i hit rock bottom.

I wanted to take a leap. How painful could it be?

Today i resign to all the signs around me telling me to quit. I shall stop trying.

But the hard part is to not feel bad about resignation.

The verdict is clear. I'm 23 and having a midlife crisis and chronically depressed.

Give me a reason to live.

My chance

I have a one twenty-minute shot tomorrow. Just one chance... while too much money and pride is at stake.

I don't like this immobilizing fear. It makes me sleepy and unproductive.

I've got to stop trying to fill someone else's shoes. If i'm a loser and i'm gonna end up unsuccessful and poor and miserable, so be it. Facing my worst fears is much better than pretending they don't exist. Sometimes i think accepting my loserish-ness and getting on with it can even make me feel good.

Lab rat, life rat

I am stressed. Very stressed.

Lab work has been getting crazier and crazier. Like my supervisor said, I'm now treading amidst unknown water and I gotta steer my own wheels. But I'm not good or experienced enough. There are so many techniques I still don't know. I need new antibodies. I need guidance. I need collaborators.

Outside the lab, other aspects of my life haven't been great either. Too many things to do, too little time.

There will be three consecutive conferences starting next week. Hopefully sitting around listening to talks will allow me to catch my breath.

Bad mood

I am pissed off that my life is messed up so easily, i'm pissed that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, and i'm pissed that i allow myself to feel pissed in the first place.

I was told that if you repeat something for many many times, it will start becoming meaningless.

So here I go: my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess...

Money business

My conversation tonight kept me thinking when life starts revolving around the monetary axis. Granted that having money allows one to do a lot of things - travel, buy a car, or even command a lot of respect among peers.

But why is it that it never had a strong appeal to me?

My ego tells me that i'm more noble than to be concerned about money aspects, but another voice tells me to shed off my naivety or go and die.

Anyhow... so i have never been super duper anxious to become filthy rich, but now the only way to solve my existing career woes is to have a ton of ka-ching. What a headache! Arrggh.

Feeling useless

... is not a good feeling, and is also not easy to shake off.

Yesterday was my birthday. I decided not to do anything. No parties, no gathering of any sort. I don't know why but birthdays just don't matter much to me anymore.

Perhaps i'm growing up. Or perhaps i'm just growing old.

Anyhow, so i'm back in lab after a whirlwind trip to karolinska. Still feeling kinda jet-lagged... can't keep myself awake in the afternoons and can't sleep so well at nights. But that's what caffeine is for, isn't it. The trip was a good experience though, i did learn quite a lot and managed to enjoy the place despite the finger-numbing cold. I also bonded a tiny little bit more with the others - one step closer to changing my non-existent social life, but not quite there yet.

Back to reality: Labbing. Apps. More study... I feel dreary and worn out just thinking about my to-do list. I feel like living a life with no ambitions. And i shall stop writing here lest i become even whinier. Not good, not good... it's only monday morning!

Time-out

Yesterday i took a long break - a much needed break to untie some of the knots i've accumulated. Run errands, email people, sort out laundry, ...

The break was good, but not nearly long enough.

Relationships

Like xs, i'm also easily affected by relationships. No not the romantic relationship that the term immediately conveys, all the other kinds of relationships that may be even more complicated, more difficult to remedy, and give me more headache.

[big sigh]

I wish all the relationships in the world can be so simple and straightforward, that love and hate don't mingle, that people could be honest and think on the same frequency. I wish that i could be magnanimous and forgiving, that i would look upon all the dark twisted relationships around me with indifference. I also wish that i don't have to grow up, or to deal with the unkindness, double standards, and all sorts of other crap the 'adults' have come up with. Wishful thinking, isn't it...

That said, with all the bull**** in this twisty world, i still have a few simple (so utterly simple and pure) relationships to fall upon. And for that i am thankful, for that i still have a roof above my head and plenty of reasons to wake up in the morning.

When it comes to love, some people are just luckier than others.

But well you can actually say that about anything: work, looks, money, ... you name it.

Perspective

Just when I'm stressed and depressed and worried about my personal issues, certain things always crop up to change my perspective.

Earlier this year, I remember coming home crying over my screwed up mcat. Then I heard on the news about the massacre at Virginia Tech, and realised how trivial my problem was.

Yesterday Can Tho bridge, the largest upcoming construction in Vietnam, fell down, killing 50 workers and leaving hundreds more severely injured. And so again, amidst all my personal worries, I'm forced to change my perspective.

Talking about perspective, yf told me just a moment ago that my dislike is just a matter of perspective, and that one may appear nice to some, but absolutely unpleasant to others. Maybe he's right.

Some people just don't have any sense of personal boundaries, nor bother to comply to basic courtesies. Seriously, who the hell does he think he is?

The heat

Suddenly I find myself with so much work to do again. All sorts of work: study, app, lab, visa, calling up ppl for enquiries, ... All sorts of crap!

The heat the rising, quite literally. And I'm a terrible multi-tasker, can't seem to get anything done when i have too much in mind.

Arrgghhh, i want a public holiday.

I just had the most boring weekend ever!

Soul-searching

I hate it. I absolutely abhor the act of digging inside my own mind and trying to draw out something meaningful, motivational or touching. It is one thing to think about an impersonal story, it's another when that story is mine, and it's alive and vivid and kicking my brain.

That's why everytime after i brainstorm for an essay, i always feel exhausted, then i would sit there and stone for a long time...

hmmm... what should i do next? maybe i'll eat some snack. maybe i should go over to john's lab for a free donut. yummm...

how i wish eating could cure my problems!

Student forever

So here i am studying again. Fortunately, unlike memorising thousands of oscure words, reading bio texts is actually not that boring. In fact, i find ecology and evolution quite fascinating. It was a pity they never went into great details about these topics in school.

Although i don't like to study, i have to admit it's probably what i do best. When in school, i had constant guidance, gratification, and holidays to look forward to. On the other hand, my work is stagnant, and judging from the way i've been trying to fit in here, i'm guessing my EQ is average at best. I wish i could be in school forever. Then I would always learn new things, you know, stuff like anthropology, design, quantum physics, astronomy... things i always wanted to learn but never had the chance.

I know that lab work can be interesting, sometimes it even gives me the temporary high. But how come i'm still so bad at it?

I remember reading somewhere the quotation "Publish or perish!". How horrifying but true.

And with that note im gonna scuttle back to the lab and give my cells a quick shake.

Sleep

It never ceases to amaze me how much i can sleep. Last weekend i think i did a whopping total of 20 hours (or more) in two days.

I (heart) sleeping, especially because i dream very often, and theyre always very interesting dreams. Last night for example, i dreamt about a thrilling adventure which involved swimming pool, mountain climbing, and fights against a nemesis with the face of Lord Voldemort. ha!

Only thing i hate about sleeping is: the guilt i feel afterwards for not having done any work. Otherwise known as the monday blues.

Reading Nature

After ploughing through pages and pages of application instructions, browsing journal articles surprisingly makes a good change.

Today, I actually found myself enjoy reading Nature medicine journals. I don't know whether this nerdy streak should be a cause for celebration or alarm. But anyhow, it sure came late. Three years late, in fact. I was supposed to be engrossed by science and nature articles since jc time, was i not? hahaha

So i've been poking around some articles published by Goodell et al. Her signature 1996 paper, describing a method to isolate stem cell subpopulation in HSCs, was among the first ones I read at the start of my attachment. Her protocol has been adopted by many others (including my humble self) to obtain and characterise subpopulations. Goodell's lab apparently was in Harvard Medical School last time, but now has transferred to Baylor. What a pity. Houston, Texas is not my ideal grad school environment.

By the way, i love reading the "Spoonful of medicine" blog. Though its not so frequently updated (only about 8-10 posts/month), its reflections on current med news are quite brilliant.

An okay day

Good days don't come easy. Recently i've been through a fair number of bad days; so when a relatively good one came along, i thought i should make a record of it.

I woke up early to look for my passport at the photocopy place nearby. As it turned out, the poor auntie was so worried when she saw my passport left behind that she reported to NUS security, who immediately came at 8pm to pick it up. So today i skipped lunch to rescue my precious green book from Yusof Ishak house. Phew... that was kinda scary.

My experiment went ok. I got what i expected, which trust me, doesn't happen quite often. What's more, my relationship with the boss showed signs of amelioration.

So what makes today an okay and not a good day? The fact that yf flew away and my dreaded three-month wait has started.

On a separate note, I'm wondering whether i should rebond my hair. It sounds like such a vain and trivial subject, but the truth is i've been contemplating the idea for almost a week. I don't want to look like thousands of sg girls out there whose hairs are of identical length, texture and color. On the other hand, the thought of having a smooth silky mane does appeal to me. Maybe i'll just settle for a deep conditioning treatment... i'll see.

Splash

Last week my agar melted into nothing before my boss' eyes. today he walked in on me using a non-operative culture hood. never ending embarrassments... maybe tmr ill get caught with my pants down.

I'm a klutz.

Splashing things is probably what i do best. That and wondering why i'm here working in a lab.

On a lighter note, i finally got a load off my chest today. And by load i mean a big Fedex envelope, oh, and a big amount of money as well. Broke, but contented. I will sleep well at night, at least till end of the week...

Hopefully with fewer distractions, there'll be fewer splashing.

Come back

I had thought that my feelings, those frustrating/comtemplative ones in particular, have run dry. I thought that I'd be happy and carefree from last year on. But life always has a way to get my back. It always gives me new things to worry about.

What to say... don't have any choice, do i? i already tend to worry too much about all the small (and sometimes wrong) things, without the need for any more complications. But then maybe its a good thing, maybe a little stress a day keeps... idleness at bay.

So i'm blogging again. There wont be much postings, cos the days arent getting any longer, but the workload is just piling up by the hours. But i'll now have a window to vent my thoughts, and sometimes that may be a life-saver.