The other day I got just what I needed. My experiment worked! For once... after a string of failures.
It reminded me that after all, research is still gonna be important for me for a long long time. So I went back to labbing, and it's much less distressing.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Stop!
So i've been moping and feeling pity for myself over the past week. And finally today i decided to get my butt off the chair and take a walk; and i gained a little perspective.
I got to stop beating myself up over losing out to other people. I know when it comes to applications and research, i suck. And that's the end of the story. No more comparison, no more kiasuism. I shall no longer feel bad about myself because i've really tried my best and that's all anyone could do.
I got to count my blessings - the fact that i've come this far without a penny from my parents' pocket, the fact that i have someone whom i trust absolutely, or the fact that i still have all my arms and legs and am losing weight without even trying.
Damn it, enough of self hatred already!
I got to stop beating myself up over losing out to other people. I know when it comes to applications and research, i suck. And that's the end of the story. No more comparison, no more kiasuism. I shall no longer feel bad about myself because i've really tried my best and that's all anyone could do.
I got to count my blessings - the fact that i've come this far without a penny from my parents' pocket, the fact that i have someone whom i trust absolutely, or the fact that i still have all my arms and legs and am losing weight without even trying.
Damn it, enough of self hatred already!
Friday, February 22, 2008
Still hesitating
Happiness and success, which one would you choose?
If asked five years ago, I'd resolutely opt for the latter. At that time, being ahead of the competition meant everything, and seemed to hold endless promises.
But sadly I've grown more and more unmotivated over the years. Sometimes I even harbour thoughts of a blissful tai-tai existence. And research creeped in as a holistic option because it offers the you-can-have-both-career-and-family combination.
But then again, what if happiness and success are correlated, instead of mutually exclusive? Family makes me happy, and an interesting career makes me happy too. So the question is actually, which makes me happier?
I know that it's impossible to have the best of both worlds, and there's always a need to prioritize. But now i wonder, is two glasses half-full better than one full glass?
If asked five years ago, I'd resolutely opt for the latter. At that time, being ahead of the competition meant everything, and seemed to hold endless promises.
But sadly I've grown more and more unmotivated over the years. Sometimes I even harbour thoughts of a blissful tai-tai existence. And research creeped in as a holistic option because it offers the you-can-have-both-career-and-family combination.
But then again, what if happiness and success are correlated, instead of mutually exclusive? Family makes me happy, and an interesting career makes me happy too. So the question is actually, which makes me happier?
I know that it's impossible to have the best of both worlds, and there's always a need to prioritize. But now i wonder, is two glasses half-full better than one full glass?
Wait
Waiting for my primers to arrive,
Waiting for proteomics experiment to get going,
Waiting for july vacation,
Waiting for my future to be decided...
Where's the light at the end of my tunnel?
Waiting for proteomics experiment to get going,
Waiting for july vacation,
Waiting for my future to be decided...
Where's the light at the end of my tunnel?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Yesterday was a bad day. I did nothing productive, and things got a little tense between me and mr. O again. Worst of all, i got into a fight with my sister over something really trivial, which spiralled into a disturbing discussion about my character. So i faced my worst fear: the fact that im a twisted, cynical, emotionally stunted human being.
Umm, and the thing is, i don't even know what to do about it.
Umm, and the thing is, i don't even know what to do about it.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Perfection
All my life i strive to be perfect, to be proud and accountable for my actions, my ability, even superficial things like my looks. But of course that never happens.
I thought that having choices would make me live life easier. I resented rich people who had choices spread out in front of them, without the need for the extra miles. Or any other kind of privileged people for that matter. Perfection would be having able to do what i want. But now that i have choices, i realize its not so easy making the decision after all.
And that's because all the choices have pros and cons. And so it all boils down to perfection again really. Nothing in life is perfect, so none of the choices is perfect, and therefore no decision made on those choices could be perfect either. Basically the world is just full of imperfections operating within their limitations.
Well, i know that's a very uninteresting point to make, but it's exactly what i feel right now.
In a perfect world, I would be able to become an accomplished doctor by the age of 30, maybe even a specialist. By then I would have already started a family and lived comfortably in a house that I owned. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be lucky to reach there when I'm 35. I would be even luckier to remain in this close-to-perfect relationship by that time.
But I guess if I have to live my life all over again, there's very little I'm gonna change about it. And living life without much regrets may be part of perfection.
I thought that having choices would make me live life easier. I resented rich people who had choices spread out in front of them, without the need for the extra miles. Or any other kind of privileged people for that matter. Perfection would be having able to do what i want. But now that i have choices, i realize its not so easy making the decision after all.
And that's because all the choices have pros and cons. And so it all boils down to perfection again really. Nothing in life is perfect, so none of the choices is perfect, and therefore no decision made on those choices could be perfect either. Basically the world is just full of imperfections operating within their limitations.
Well, i know that's a very uninteresting point to make, but it's exactly what i feel right now.
In a perfect world, I would be able to become an accomplished doctor by the age of 30, maybe even a specialist. By then I would have already started a family and lived comfortably in a house that I owned. But this is not a perfect world, and I would be lucky to reach there when I'm 35. I would be even luckier to remain in this close-to-perfect relationship by that time.
But I guess if I have to live my life all over again, there's very little I'm gonna change about it. And living life without much regrets may be part of perfection.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Snippets of my trip
Although it is not yet the end of my interview trip, thats what it feels like. I guess despite all the fun and excitement i had, i just got tired after a while with all the socializing, connecting, presenting, etc...
Penn was such a great place that i kept asking myself why i didn't choose it for my undergraduate (i know i know, i probably wouldn't have got in anyway, so it's just plain wishful thinking). Good city, benign weather, enthusiastic faculty.
New york would have been great too if not for the excruciatingly cold weather. I wasted two good afternoons staying at the hotel - no chinatown food, no watching musical or dance show like i had planned to - because of the sub-freezing temperature. The only saving grace is the fact that i got to see new york's first day of snow.
So now im at oxford, about to attend the most serious phd interview. And i'm still not used to the way people talk here. The accent, the precise intonation, the speed. American english is definitely much easier to swallow (or do a fake imitation of) than the mainstream British counterpart.
Anyway, it's time for breakfast (it's free, i think :)) and enough rambling for today.
Penn was such a great place that i kept asking myself why i didn't choose it for my undergraduate (i know i know, i probably wouldn't have got in anyway, so it's just plain wishful thinking). Good city, benign weather, enthusiastic faculty.
New york would have been great too if not for the excruciatingly cold weather. I wasted two good afternoons staying at the hotel - no chinatown food, no watching musical or dance show like i had planned to - because of the sub-freezing temperature. The only saving grace is the fact that i got to see new york's first day of snow.
So now im at oxford, about to attend the most serious phd interview. And i'm still not used to the way people talk here. The accent, the precise intonation, the speed. American english is definitely much easier to swallow (or do a fake imitation of) than the mainstream British counterpart.
Anyway, it's time for breakfast (it's free, i think :)) and enough rambling for today.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Itinerary
After much hassle and worries, my trip has finally been organized.
Singapore -> Upenn -> Columbia -> Oxford -> Cambridge -> Singapore
Four destinations in less than 2 weeks. This is gonna be fun.
Or "fun".
Singapore -> Upenn -> Columbia -> Oxford -> Cambridge -> Singapore
Four destinations in less than 2 weeks. This is gonna be fun.
Or "fun".
Monday, February 4, 2008
Infinity - Merrick
We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity
We are all like astronauts
The little prince I want to please
Nevermind your habits absolutely
You encourage me
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity
Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
I am I am I am I am I am... infinity
Doesn't matter anyway
He is longing anyhow
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
Omg, making travel plans is so exhausting, esp when my darn green passport means i have to apply for visa in virtually every other country in the world.
Frustrated! Very.
In my need to find some forms of distraction, i read xy's blog (recommended to me by xs). Its nacissism is blatant and laughable (although really, that can be said of a great number of blogs out there, including mine). The thing is, i'm not bothered by it at all, i don't feel jealous, or guilty about my own shortcomings while reading it. I'm only entertained. So i guess that's the trick then: one got to be detached to be rational.
Reminds me of a quote i heard a long time ago: the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
Frustrated! Very.
In my need to find some forms of distraction, i read xy's blog (recommended to me by xs). Its nacissism is blatant and laughable (although really, that can be said of a great number of blogs out there, including mine). The thing is, i'm not bothered by it at all, i don't feel jealous, or guilty about my own shortcomings while reading it. I'm only entertained. So i guess that's the trick then: one got to be detached to be rational.
Reminds me of a quote i heard a long time ago: the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
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