I'm suffering from itchy-feet syndrome. Missed ballet yesterday for a phone interview, which was short but quite interesting. I have absolutely no idea how i'm going to choose among different labs, but anyway, i shouldn't count my eggs too soon.

So much work to do before flying off next week. Sigh. Even in my sleep i could see pink media plates floating around. Potential nightmare.

Sec school kids are coming to my lab next week for some outreach program. That should be fun, even though our activity for them is *yawn* cloning. I like interacting with young kids, like those i interviewed last week. They have such incredible zest for life and its possibilities. They speak their minds straight and right. No political correctness, no cliche, no fear. Wonder when and how i lost that capacity?

Go ghost go!

I didn't sleep well last night. My old handphone (which i've taken out the sim card, thereby disabling it, and tossed into my drawer) rang at 4 am. And although normally i wouldn't have been frightened, for i know turning off phones doesn't necessarily shut them up, last night was different. I was haunted by The Ring movie.

It's funny and absurd to think about it in a clear-headed way in the morning. Because actually i thought the spectre in that movie had terrific straight hair and clean white outfit, wayyy too good-looking for someone supposed to be dead for 30 years. But i was seriously scared at that time.

So then i realized that if i'm scared of death, that means i still have something to lose, means i still like my life no matter how little.

I've also deduced that idleness breeds evil thoughts, so i'd better keep myself busy for the next week or so. And hopefully the shadow in my mind will go away.

Unoriginal

Been digging around for a while in my self-reflection, but have yet figured out what i did wrong, or in what way i am inferior.

It feels like trying to remember whether or not you've left the house door unlocked. Or looking into the dance studio mirror to scan your body flaws.

Xs said i always second guess myself, which is very true. I always tend to scrutinize too deeply the things i lack, while forgetting to count my everyday blessings. But to change my perspective is easier said than done.

I wish i could stop comparing myself to others. To mr. O this is a very unoriginal, and very singaporean phenotype. Ask them to do some project, he said, and they would immediately check to see what other groups are doing, then start to follow suit with a little bit of modification. His remarks alarmed me, cos i never realized i've become one of the many. Unidentifiable from the homogeneous crowd.

I believe to be original is to be sure of oneself. To feel certain that one's idea is unique and, in some ways, insuperable. Again, easier said than done.

Urrgh

I hate applications so much. The fact that theyre never ending and totally not worth my time, and that other people are so hyped about it. I'm getting jaded so soon, i realized. Just been doing apps for... umm... 4 months only and my care level has dropped to non-existence. 'How can people still be so enthusiastic, stressed out and kiasu about it?' is a question i don't bother enough to find out. But think about all the money they waste on multiple interview trips!

To the schools that don't care enough about me to give me money and an early interview, heck, i don't need them anyway.

I look forward to my bright and happy prospect in the UK, where i can get a degree in 3 years and start working my debt off. Because there's something i hate even more than apps - responsibilities to others.

Distractions

To light up a few matches in my earlier purported darkness, here are a few delights in my otherwise boring life.

One. I recently realized, to my amazement, that i'm not overly critical afterall. I have always been bothered by my own judgmental tendency, which most of the times translates simply into sheer meanness. From the moment i meet a person, to even years after parting. But lately i've recognized even greater criticality from other people around me, people who at first sight seem rather kind and forgiving. This recognition may be disturbing to some, but to me it's kinda of a relief.

Two. I have successfully concocted a tasty tiramisu recipe, after the third trial (with my sister's expert whipping, of course). Next, i shall try my hand on some traditional vietnamese cuisines, with the exotic herbs i just bought.

Three. I can think about my coming fly-over interviews as a chinese new year vacation. And i can start shopping for some sassy winter clothes.

And last. I can always drown my misery in a heap of movies and tv series dvd at home.

In the dark

I had a very long unfruitful holiday. It was nice though, for how often can one sits around all day not bothered by the slightest shred of stress?

But yesterday seems like a punishment for my past lazy week. And even though misery craves isolation, today I decided to drag myself out of bed in the morning and go to lab. Companionship might cheer me up.

I realized (not for the first time) that life beyond schooling is not my strongest suit. Not even my strong suit. Do i suck so much at work or just research in particular? I don't have the vaguest idea of what the future holds for me, and i'm worried. Confused. Desperate. It's not a straightforward path from primary to secondary to jc to college anymore. It's a crooked path I do not know how to draw, let alone walk it.

I have options, none of which is smooth sailing, some may even end up disastrous for me and my family.

Only if there is a way for something, or someone, to show me the light at the end of my tunnel.