My chance

I have a one twenty-minute shot tomorrow. Just one chance... while too much money and pride is at stake.

I don't like this immobilizing fear. It makes me sleepy and unproductive.

I've got to stop trying to fill someone else's shoes. If i'm a loser and i'm gonna end up unsuccessful and poor and miserable, so be it. Facing my worst fears is much better than pretending they don't exist. Sometimes i think accepting my loserish-ness and getting on with it can even make me feel good.

Lab rat, life rat

I am stressed. Very stressed.

Lab work has been getting crazier and crazier. Like my supervisor said, I'm now treading amidst unknown water and I gotta steer my own wheels. But I'm not good or experienced enough. There are so many techniques I still don't know. I need new antibodies. I need guidance. I need collaborators.

Outside the lab, other aspects of my life haven't been great either. Too many things to do, too little time.

There will be three consecutive conferences starting next week. Hopefully sitting around listening to talks will allow me to catch my breath.

Bad mood

I am pissed off that my life is messed up so easily, i'm pissed that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, and i'm pissed that i allow myself to feel pissed in the first place.

I was told that if you repeat something for many many times, it will start becoming meaningless.

So here I go: my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess, my life is a mess...

Money business

My conversation tonight kept me thinking when life starts revolving around the monetary axis. Granted that having money allows one to do a lot of things - travel, buy a car, or even command a lot of respect among peers.

But why is it that it never had a strong appeal to me?

My ego tells me that i'm more noble than to be concerned about money aspects, but another voice tells me to shed off my naivety or go and die.

Anyhow... so i have never been super duper anxious to become filthy rich, but now the only way to solve my existing career woes is to have a ton of ka-ching. What a headache! Arrggh.

Feeling useless

... is not a good feeling, and is also not easy to shake off.

Yesterday was my birthday. I decided not to do anything. No parties, no gathering of any sort. I don't know why but birthdays just don't matter much to me anymore.

Perhaps i'm growing up. Or perhaps i'm just growing old.

Anyhow, so i'm back in lab after a whirlwind trip to karolinska. Still feeling kinda jet-lagged... can't keep myself awake in the afternoons and can't sleep so well at nights. But that's what caffeine is for, isn't it. The trip was a good experience though, i did learn quite a lot and managed to enjoy the place despite the finger-numbing cold. I also bonded a tiny little bit more with the others - one step closer to changing my non-existent social life, but not quite there yet.

Back to reality: Labbing. Apps. More study... I feel dreary and worn out just thinking about my to-do list. I feel like living a life with no ambitions. And i shall stop writing here lest i become even whinier. Not good, not good... it's only monday morning!

Time-out

Yesterday i took a long break - a much needed break to untie some of the knots i've accumulated. Run errands, email people, sort out laundry, ...

The break was good, but not nearly long enough.

Relationships

Like xs, i'm also easily affected by relationships. No not the romantic relationship that the term immediately conveys, all the other kinds of relationships that may be even more complicated, more difficult to remedy, and give me more headache.

[big sigh]

I wish all the relationships in the world can be so simple and straightforward, that love and hate don't mingle, that people could be honest and think on the same frequency. I wish that i could be magnanimous and forgiving, that i would look upon all the dark twisted relationships around me with indifference. I also wish that i don't have to grow up, or to deal with the unkindness, double standards, and all sorts of other crap the 'adults' have come up with. Wishful thinking, isn't it...

That said, with all the bull**** in this twisty world, i still have a few simple (so utterly simple and pure) relationships to fall upon. And for that i am thankful, for that i still have a roof above my head and plenty of reasons to wake up in the morning.