Am I autistic?

I've always thought of myself as having autistic tendencies. Here's why:
- I have no trouble concentrating amidst a crowd. In fact, i almost always prefer to focus intensely on one thing at a time,
- I have a very vivid imagination, thus my ability to concoct storylines ranging from the soberly dramatic to the outrageously insane,
- I'm good with remembering numbers, like telephone digits or people's birthdays. I'm also good with patterns and logic.
- I talk to myself. A lot. Most of the times not consciously,
- I often find myself rather awkward in social situations as I refuse to go out my way to entertain others.

Today, following up a related topic that vera brought to the lunch table, i began to self-diagnose and reached an autism quotient (AQ) of 23. That's about an average math contestant, whereas scorers of 34 or above probably have Asperger's.

So, i guess i'm just another anti-social face in the crowd.

Here's the link to the quiz:
http://www.piepalace.ca/blog/asperger-test-aq-test

I've spoken to what seems like a gazillions of people about my issue and hardly anyone has been kind enough.

Damn it who else do i have to speak to to get the job done around here?!

Destructive thinking

I'm in the thinking mode again, you know the kinda mode where your thoughts won't go away, they just swoop down into your brain and flood your neural circuits until you can't make any sense out of anything anymore. So you lose the motivation to do constructive things, even eating and drinking, and you just stare. And think.

If you watch I heart Huckabees, there's a scene where the two protagonists beat each other on the head with a huge plastic balloon until they stop thinking. I need one of those balloons.

People always make me curious. Like how many of them, when asked about their profession, would somehow try to steer the conversation away from the topic at hand by making a lame joke, or refering to their family and hobbies instead. I don't know what their reason is but if i have to venture a guess, i'd say it's because they think their profession would bore the listener. And that may be because they themselves are sick of their daytime jobs in the first place. I guess to them, the job is merely something society expects of them to do to put food on the table. I, on the other hand, think my work is my life. It shapes the way i dress and address, molds my personality, and affects even my deeper character traits. Maybe i'm being overly serious, or maybe i'm just going through a phase, but i believe my life wouldn't be half as worth living if my work sucks like hell.

Or like how there are so many hidden meanings in an everyday interpersonal discourse it's mind-boggling to interpret and extrapolate. From the very first instance of the meeting, judgement begins (i formerly thought i was among the extremists when it comes to judging others, but apparently everyone does it to about the same extent as mine). Then it's followed by escalating expectation and series of attempts to meet, or to defy those expectations. There's also trust and cynicism - variables that no one could easily predict. How do i judge others just the right amount so that my mind still opens to further possibilities? How do i not give myself away by trusting too much, without sliding up the cynicism scale?

I like to observe people, i think an ability to read minds is both useful and cool. But lately, i have misinterpreted other people's hidden signals more often than i'd wish. It's quite unfortunate really... but i don't know how to learn from it.

Honesty

If you happen to know me at all, you'll probably realize that I'm very very very protective of my principles. I more or less grew up on my own for a large part of my life, making my own rules, creating my own set of beliefs.

And honesty is not one of them. I'm more of a do-whatever-it-takes-to-get-what-i-want kinda person, which I admit is not something to be proud of.

Nevertheless I'm protective and proud of the few other principles I still uphold. And not impinging on personal rights is definitely one of them.

Today a friend of mine just over stepped his boundary. I yelled. And now it's fine, everything is water under the bridge.

You see, I protected my principles, at the expense of a friendship.

I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty of my spending. Every month, my miserable wage is worsened by my expenses for dancing, driving and flying, and the occasional nag from my sister (who by the way, earns three times as much; and that's not even counting bonuses).

So I went shopping nonetheless, and couldn't care any less about my depleting bank accounts. I like making myself look good. It's the only aspect of my life I can improve. Hair and clothes are easy to change. But other variables such as research, education, or even relationship, seem so far out of my grasp.

I have been looking for hairstyle inspiration for a while. The other day I discovered that I have an oval-shaped face, which means I can go with any hairdos. Big fat useless advice.

My lab mate successfully defended her thesis today. I've watched two other oral defenses before this, but somehow today I'm most excited. Perhaps it was the vast body of her 5-year work which spanned from retroviral to in vivo to clinical, or maybe this was the first time I fully comprehended the talk and identified myself with her.

Have been doing intensive cloning for the past two weeks. This repetitive routine has got to stop before I lose all motivation to continue.

I've realized why time and again I cannot help but lash out my frustration with research. My biggest problem with experimentation is: I don't deal well with failures.

Who does?! One might say. But I think I take failures too personally, much more so than the average person.

On an entirely different note, I need to socialize more.

I used to be a sociable sunshine smiley person, I loved party, gossiping to friends until 3am. But hopkins turned me into a social nightmare who doesn't talk to anyone unless obliged to.

I need to catch up with old friends, no matter how awkward that might be.

I'm so frustrated with research. It's all fumbling in the dark. Maybe that's just because i'm stupid.