Tired and stressed. Multiplied by ten times.

*grumble grumble grumble*

Rambling before lunch

I really am a clumsy lab worker - it's been my umpteenth time getting water contamination *throwing my hands up in the air in exasperation*

The political landscape of the lab is undergoing some major changes, and i hate to think about the domino effects that are going to come. Mr. O is stressed because he doesn't want to take over the baggage; lab lunches turn into discussions about management problems. Problems with lab life, problems with transparency, problems with scholarships, ... How sianz!

And i'm still not done with applications yet. What the heck, after the wave of US apps, i still have a bunch of UK apps to worry about. Writing my life story over and over again is mind-numbingly mundane; chasing people for letters is downright unpleasant. How sianz...

I hope there is a good ending to this - where i'll be happy, and my sense of self-worth will be restored. Success doesn't mean that much to me anymore, as least not as much as happiness. I want the five C's - chocolate, coffee, carbs, choreography and contentment.

Joe Hisaishi live performance of Howl's Moving Castle theme

Monday

Mr. O was nice to me today. I feel as if a light bulb just switched on in my brain. I know how to deal with him now: The guy is addicted to results - like moths to neon tubes, junkies to heroin. Give him some data and watch him mesmerized. :)

He was, however, very mean to another person. How pitiful and scary.

The changing of my blog name

Yesterday I watched a 30Rock episode in which Kenneth, a sweet and subservient pager guy, told a little anecdote about his childhood, and how he used to stare at his aunt's cookie jar for hours, and felt so calm as though all his troubles were put inside that jar and carefully sealed.

In that sense I thought my blog is analogous to that cookie jar. It's been the only place for me to be myself and think aloud, and not afraid of other people's judgments. Sometimes it even calms me.

Anger management

I'm seriously pissed off this time. On previous occasions like this I just dismissed everything as if it were something inconsequential and put on a smile to be polite. But the crap I've been getting at work is just piling up everyday. And when I already have a lot on my mind, it just makes my life a lot harder to get along.

They happened on monday, thursday and friday last week. A perfect week was ruined by Mr. O and his crazy obsession with trivial technicalities. I don't know what I did that was so wrong and unforgiveable that I must be his punch bag almost everyday. I can't stand him - his continuous babbling in fake 'proper' english, his pretension, his fetid sarcasm. I have done nothing to deserve this amount of disrespect. Why can't he leave me and my self esteem alone?!

And worse still I have nowhere to vent my anger. Everyone else at work seems to be perfectly happy no matter how mistreated they are. They laugh at his jokes, report to him every minute details like clockwork. I tried to write a few imaginary letters to him, where I would release my anger non stop in a few pages. But those letters don't work anymore; in the wake of the night, my anger comes back to haunt me, chasing me out of sleep.

So here, I publish it. My anger. In the hope that it will leave me alone and I'll restore a peaceful exterior on monday next week.

Oh my god, to think that I still have almost 9 more months to go.

Wallowing

Today i realized i haven't felt good for a long time. Very long indeed, maybe two or three months. I haven't been feeling safe or happy or content or confident; shopping and watching tv are distractions rather than cure. The best i've had is something like a surge of adrenalin after dance or after an experiment gone ok, which quickly wanes off in matter of hours.

I also indulge in a lot of self pity (read above paragraph for evidence). It's amazing how self pity feeds on itself until it's enough to flood my mind and bore any conversation to death.

So i decide to declare war on self doubt, fear, envy, ... all the bad feelings i've harboured. I shall only concentrate on the good stuff of my life, the stuff that soothes me, like my mom, yf, my improving workplace relationships. And i shall always remind myself that no matter how bad my day has been, there surely is someone who had a worse day. You see, it's only a matter of perspective.

Easier said than done.

I hate working

Nothing in life is constant except death, cpf and work.

Trapped in a deep black hole

Yesterday i hit rock bottom.

I wanted to take a leap. How painful could it be?

Today i resign to all the signs around me telling me to quit. I shall stop trying.

But the hard part is to not feel bad about resignation.

The verdict is clear. I'm 23 and having a midlife crisis and chronically depressed.

Give me a reason to live.