Complaints, complaints, complaints

I have not blogged for a while. Not because i stop reflecting (i wish!) - i still overthink almost every daily situations, over-interpret almost every person's mundane expressions. But because i've been swamped with work.

I work hard and i don't know why. It's not because i'm passionate about it (i wish!) - although i'm usually a nerd, when it comes to my own lab work, i'm strangely disconnected. Maybe it's because i wanted to try to impress Mr O (which turned out to be a futile attempt, of course). Maybe i was just born to be that kind of asinine studious person. To become a lab rat, eternally stuck in motion without getting anywhere. Or maybe it's the promise of the light at the end of the tunnel at lures me to work.

And what is that light exactly? A PhD? Money? Publications? Tenorship? I don't know how to grasp it.

Whatever it is, i think it's very pathetic indeed. The feeling when i get up every morning, knowing that my experiments that day are going to fail. On happier days, i would rise out of bed with optimism, thinking that i'm going to be one step closer to nailing that result. But on gloomier days like today, i ask myself why i even bother.

And on any day in between i would reflect on how this past one year has been one of the most depressing periods i've experienced. Because it shows me clearly just how sad my life is, and will be.